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"I was born to be an American TV star!"

Can it be true?  The Maloofs are considering making a Sacramento Kings televised reality series with Mark Burnett, the creator of hit shows such as “The Survivor” and “The Apprentice.” I haven’t been this excited since Woody Allen became my hero — er, I mean Mitch Richmond won All-Star Game MVP.  Why, you ask?  Well, let’s see…

*Listing Shelden Williams’ name in the final credits will secure the team’s first W in the closing seconds.

*Kings fans can always blame Vlade Divac if the show flops.

*We can finally see footage of those priceless locker room conversations between a blazed Brad Miller and Kings rookie Bobby Brown:

“Dude! Did you, like, bring Whitney with you?”
“Nah, Brad. It’s not funny anymore. For the last time, I’m not that Bobby Brown!”
“Pssshht — stop playing, son!  [Starts singing off-key] AND IIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIIIIIII EEEEE IIIIII will always love YOOOUUUUUUUU…”

Brown rolls his eyes and walks away in disgust. [End scene]

*Cameos from those naughty Kings cheerleaders (here’s the NSFW version)…

*It’s the Tribal Council’s best chance to vote Kenny Thomas’ cap-killing contract off the island…

*They already have a catchy theme song:

*The Maloofs’ company also produces the E! reality show “Living Lohan” — just three more years, and Ali can be all yours, Beno!

*Rumor has it that Spencer Hawes‘ Michael Phelps imitation is uncanny…

*I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I only wish the Kings still had Ron Artest…happy four-year anniversary!

They used to tell me I was building a dream, and so I followed the mob,

When there was earth to plow, or guns to bear, I was always there right on the job.

They used to tell me I was building a dream, with peace and glory ahead,

Why should I be standing in line, just waiting for bread?

Once I built a railroad, I made it run, made it race against time.

Once I built a railroad; now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime?

Once I built a tower, up to the sun, brick, and rivet, and lime;

Once I built a tower, now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime?

Once in khaki suits, gee we looked swell,

Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,

Half a million boots went slogging through Hell,

And I was the kid with the drum!

Say, don’t you remember, they called me Al; it was Al all the time.

Why don’t you remember, I’m your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Once in khaki suits, gee we looked swell,

Full of that Yankee Doodly Dum,

Half a million boots went slogging through Hell,

And I was the kid with the drum!

Say, don’t you remember, they called me Al; it was Al all the time.

Say, don’t you remember, I’m your pal? Buddy, can you spare a dime?

(Third-string center Mouhamed Sene is suiting up before practice)

Sene: Oh to be Alonzo Mourning

Oh not to be Mouhamed Sene

Oh to be Alonzo Mourning

Except for the cancer he’s great!

(Assistant Coach Brian Keefe strolls by Sene and glances at him peculiarly out of the corner of his eye. He makes his way to the court and passes rookie point guard Russell Westbrook talking up one of the Thunder cheerleaders.)

Westbrook: When I take you out, tonight, with me

Ho, here’s the way it’s goin’ to be

You will set behind a team of jet black Rovers

In the slickest Bentley you ever see!

Chicks and hoes and bitches better scurry

When I take you out in the Bentley

When I take you out in the Bentley with the fringe on top!

Shoshonda: (shaking her head) Nah, I don’t think so Russell. We ain’t s’posed to date you guys.

Westbrook: (pouting) Bitch, I sang for you and shit! (more…)

This is Part 2 of Act Like You Know .  Part 1 can be found here.

Let’s skip the intro and get right to it — NBA players who’ve tried their hand at ’serious’ acting…or at least more than just playing themselves on the big screen.

1.  Shaquille O’Neal:  Much like his rapping career, the Big Aristotle has very little going for him in his movies.  His two big headliners, Kazaam (1996) and Steel (1997), both fell way short of expectations on all fronts.  I could use another free throw joke here, let’s stick to the facts (and percentages).

Kazaam find Shaq playing a genie who grants three wishes to a young boy, after being released from an abandoned magic boom box…and he somehow becomes a famous rapper in the process (no, seriously).  I actually remember watching it as a kid in the theater with my parents, and desperately hoping the boy’s next wish would be for the movie to end.  Not surprisingly, Kazaam received negative reviews from just about every critic, giving it an unbeatable Rotten Tomatoes score of 0%.

Here’s a clip of Shaq and the kid passing the mic — don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In Steel, which is based on a DC Comics superhero, John Henry Irons (Shaq) creates a military suit out of junkyard scraps to fight an evil street gang.  According to Wikipedia, the film cost an estimated $16 million to produce, but grossed under $1.7 million at the box office.  Shaq was also nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Actor, but couldn’t even beat out Kevin Costner (The Postman) for that honor.  By the way, I’m not a comic book guy, and maybe someone can point out the differences in the comments, but, um, isn’t this just like the backstory for Ironman?

2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar:  In addition to making cameos on several popular TV shows, including Diff’rent Strokes, Full House, and 21 Jump Street, Kareem has been featured in a handful of movies.  In Airplane (1980), he plays co-pilot Roger Murdock, who pretends he’s not actually the NBA star.  His acting isn’t spectacular, but he ends up playing an unforgettable role in the movie.  Much to his credit, Kareem isn’t above making fun of himself, especially his bad rap as as a defender:

Kareem’s other famous movie appearance is his memorable fight scene against Bruce Lee in Game of Death (1978).  It may not be a speaking part, but his towering martial artist is more believable than all of Shaq’s characters combined.  Unfortunately, Abdul-Jabbar didn’t stop there, and went on to star in the horrendous, straight-to-video clunker, Slam Dunk Ernest (1995).  Kareem plays the “Archangel of Basketball,” who gives Ernest a magical pair of shoes that allow him to jump higher than every other player (hmm…I’m on to you, Bow Wow).  Just one question for the Hall of Famer — why???

3.  Dennis Rodman: Yeah, there’s not much to be said for Rodman’s acting career. In Double Team (1997), he plays Yaz, a crazy arms dealer who teams up with Jean-Claude Van Damme to track down a bad guy. The movie is as lame as it sounds, and even throws in a few corny basketball jokes (shooting a skull like a free throw!).  Rodman ended up winning three “Golden Raspberry Awards,” including Worst Supporting Actor and Worst New Star.  Incredibly, “The Worm” is also the leading man in Simon Sez (1999), in which he plays an Interpol agent who lives in the cellar of a French monastery and in a stark contrast, tries to stop an evil arms dealer.  The movie is over-the-top, ridiculous, and unwatchable, tying Shaq for worst score possible (though Rodman is still infinitely better than costar Dane Cook).

Rodman also has two movies on his IMDB page that I’ve never seen and couldn’t find much about: Coming Attractions (2006) and The Minis (2008).  It should be noted that the plot summary for the latter reads:  “Dwarfs playing basketball…with Dennis Rodman.”  Looks like a genius idea to me.

4.  Ray Allen: Allen played high school basketball star Jesus Shuttlesworth in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, and surprisingly held his own against the likes of accredited actors Denzel Washington and Rosario Dawson. On the surface, it’s another basketball movie, and even features several NBA players — Travis Best, Rick Fox, John Wallace, Walter McCarty — as Allen’s teammates. Yet, it’s really more about a strained relationship between an incarcerated father and his son, as well as the role that basketball plays in each of their lives.  While he received mixed reviews for his performance, Allen is credible and has a few moving scenes with Washington.  His only other notable role was as a basketball player (shocking) in Harvard Man, where he gets little screen time and doesn’t contribute much to the plot.

5. Darius Miles: In The Perfect Score, Miles plays a star basketball player who needs to pass the SAT in order to get into college.  As expected, he’s wooden and detached, though in fairness, his character is supposed to be somewhat quiet and nonverbal.  His performance is also miles (get it) above his two-line cameo in Van Wilder, so at least he’s improving.  The good news is that he’ll have a lot of free time now, since his NBA career appears to be officially over.

Honorable Mention:

*Rick Fox: After getting minor roles in several movies — including Blue Chips, Eddie, and He Got Game — Fox has attempted a serious Hollywood career.  He’s had multi-episode stints on numerous television shows, including Oz, One Tree Hill, Ugly Betty, and Dirt.  That may be enough to put him at #5 on the list, but, well, he’s still Rick Fox.

*Wilt Chamberlain: Wilt’s only credited movie role is as Bombaata, a warrior on a mission to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Conan the Destroyer (1984).  But I’m willing to bet that at least one of his 20,000 female companions has filmed a better performance.

This is Part 1 of Act Like You Know .  Part 2 can be found here.

I watched Love And Basketball for the fourth time the other day, and one thing continues to bother me — the casting of Omar Epps in the lead role.  I have nothing against Epps as an actor, but I don’t buy him as a professional basketball player.  There’s just something off about him every time he steps out on the court, especially with the Lakers.  It’s even worse now that I associate him with Dr. Foreman on House.  So, I started thinking — would the movie be any better if the part of Quincy McCall went to say, Will Smith…or how about Ray Allen?  Actually, can any NBA players be good (or even passable) as movie actors?  We know that Paul Pierce, for one,  deserves an Oscar for his stunning performance in Game 1 of the NBA Finals.

Now, of course, it’s not a big stretch for a basketball player to play himself or another athlete in a movie…or so we’d hope.  Part I of this two-part set will focus on movies that feature NBA players “acting” as basketball players, while Part II will look at those who’ve branched out into bigger roles, including Allen in He Got Game.

1. Eddie (1996): John Salley, Rick Fox, Malik Sealy (RIP), Mark Jackson, Dwayne Schintzius, Greg Ostertag, Gary Payton, plus assorted NBA players (49 total) as themselves.

I’m sure every NBA fan has seen this one — Whoopi Goldberg goes from an obnoxious Knicks fan to the team’s coach, and puts the Isiah Thomas era to shame in the process. The best of the NBA players are Ostertag, who plays a dimwitted yokel of a player (yeah, this was a big reach for him); Sealy, who channels his inner Rickey Henderson and refers to himself in the third person; and Schintzius, who plays (?) a moron that speaks only three words of English. The rest of the bunch do just fine in minor roles — Olden Polynice, for instance, shows off his scientific knowledge of a black hole…nah, too easy.

2. Space Jam (1996): Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, Larry Johnson, Shawn Bradley, Larry Bird, Vlade Divac, Cedric Ceballos, A.C. Green, Derek Harper, Alonzo Mourning, Charles Oakley — all as themselves.

If you’re like me and saw this movie when you were younger, you probably liked it enough to not question the acting abilities of the stars.  Jordan isn’t really asked to do anything out of the ordinary here — he plays basketball and exhibits good sportsmanship, even if he’s sometimes as stiff as the hardwood. After aliens take away the NBA players’ skills, we get to see them do their best Brian Scalabrene impressions. Of course, the cheap laughs again come at the expense of the tall white guy: Shawn Bradley becomes awkward and uncoordinated on the court…in other words, the directors just told him to act natural.

3. Blue Chips (1994): Shaquille O’Neal, Anfernee Hardaway, Larry Bird, Bob Cousy, and several players as themselves, including Allan Houston, Rodney Rogers, Calbert Cheaney, Bobby Hurley, Marques Johnson, Rick Fox, George Lynch, and Chris Mills.

The movie gives a realistic (but fictional) account of behind-the-scenes cheating and corruption in college athletics.  Aside from dunking in the basketball scenes, Shaq gives his usual cringe-worthy performance (much more on this in Part II) in his acting debut.  Penny is surprisingly likable in his recruitment scenes with Nick Nolte; more impressively, he didn’t even injure himself on the set. Fortunately for us, the other players (notably Hurley and Cheaney) are not asked to do much off the court and safely fade into the background.  Cousy and Bird are, well, there.

4. Forget Paris (1995): Charles Barkley, David Robinson, Dan Majerle, Kevin Johnson, Sean Elliott, Patrick Ewing, Tim Hardaway, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Laimbeer, Reggie Miller, Chris Mullin, Charles Oakley, Kurt Rambis, John Starks, Isiah Thomas, Spud Webb, Marques Johnson, Reggie Theus — all as themselves.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I sort of like this movie, even though it’s a romantic comedy.  Billy Crystal plays an NBA referee, and all of the player cameos take place on the court.  As expected, these are mostly in-game action sequences, and require the players to argue with the refs (once again, this hopefully shouldn’t be too hard).  Kareem, Barkley, and Spud Webb, in particular, are very believable in their brief interactions with Crystal, while most of the other players don’t have noteworthy speaking parts.

5. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh (1979): Julius “Dr. J” Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Meadowlark Lemon (Harlem Globetrotter), and several NBA/ABA players, including Connie Hawkins, Spencer Haywood, Bob Lanier, Cedric Maxwell, and Norm Nixon.

I’m willing to best that most people under 30 aren’t familiar with this one.  Dr. J plays the superstar on a terrible basketball team.  After most of the players quit, in comes an absolutely ridiculous premise; let’s just say it has to do with astrology.  The acting is minimal and beyond wooden (not just the players, either), while attempts at humor predictably fall short.  Even still, I’d recommend watching it, if only for the unintentionally hilarious disco soundtrack.

Honorable Mention:

*Heaven Is A Playground (1991):  Bo Kimble, Hakeem Olajuwon, Kendall Gill

A coach tries to keep his urban high school basketball team out of trouble — as expected, it’s to no avail. Former Clipper Bo Kimble plays a good player who later becomes a bitter loner after a serious knee injury, while Olajuwon and Gill have minor roles as his teammates. Apparently, Michael Jordan was originally supposed to be cast in the movie instead of Kimble, and was sued for by the filmmakers for breach-of-contract.

*Like Mike (2002): Michael Finley, Steve Francis, Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd, Tracy McGrady, Alonzo Mourning, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, Gary Payton, Jason Richardson, David Robinson, Rasheed Wallace, Gerald Wallace, Chris Webber — all as themselves.

I’m not gonna lie to you — I never saw this movie, but I remember watching an ‘extended preview’ in the theater, which basically showed the whole movie in five minutes. Looking at the stills (Robinson, Kidd) is making me a little nauseous, so let’s move on.  Oh, and FYI, “Like Mike 2” (I had no idea either) doesn’t have any player appearances, unless you count Mark Cuban.

*White Men Can’t Jump (1992):  You may have noticed that Marques Johnson — who had a very solid NBA career during the ’80’s — appeared in two other movies on the list.  As the only professional player in this one, he doesn’t play a big enough role to make the cut.  Side note: I watched this movie when I was 12 or 13 years old, and I remember my dad walking in during one of the sex scenes….um, very bad times.

Another injury or Yao's thoughts on Ron Artest?

Dallas Mavericks:  After admitting to being a pot head, street racing like his name was Bobby Phills, and becoming this generation’s Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, what does Josh Howard have in store for 2009?

Houston Rockets:  If Ron Artest, Yao Ming, and Tracy McGrady play 150 games combined, you’re getting a full refund for this post.

Memphis Grizzlies:  Since they were almost traded for each other, it’s only fair to ask – bigger bust:  Darko Milicic or Zach Randolph?

New Orleans Hornets:  Comparing Chris Paul to Deron Williams is like comparing ”Illmatic” to “Reasonable Doubt” — there’s no right answer here (unless you choose “Illmatic”).

San Antonio Spurs:  That loud banging noise you heard, was a window closing shut…

This is the thrilling conclusion to the Ex-Hawks Down Saga. For Part 1, click here. For Part 2, click here.

Gerald & Dominique Wilkins are in Bogota meeting with Colombian National Army Lieutenant Alvaro Gomez.

“We believe Damien is being held in the jungles southeast of the city. There are many rebel army barracks scattered throughout the jungles there, perfect for hiding a hostage or two. Not that I would know anything about that..”

Gerald looks at the Lieutenant quizzically, “How do we get my son back?”

“We have an operation set in place, Mr. Wilkins. We plan on infiltrating Mr. Augmon’s group. We need to find someone he could trust and we believe we have found that man.”

Mookie Blaylock enters from a back room, grinning, “Hey guys.”

(more…)

It’s easy to understand why athletes choose to date famous celebrities.  The simple answer is because, well, they can.  These women understand their lifestyle, aren’t after money, and of course, are very attractive.  But does it ever work out well for both sides, with difficult travel schedules and no shortage of groupies on the road?  Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced within a year due to the singer’s promiscuous ways; Mike Tyson made Robin Givens’ life a “living hell;” and Andre Rison would still have a house if he never met Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez.  Let’s see how NBA stars have fared over the years.  Without further adieu, here are the top 10 player-celebrity relationships, plus a few bonus extras to ponder.

1. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra/Madonna:  Rodman dated the equally freaky Madonna in the early ’90’s, and supposedly ended that relationship because he didn’t want to be known as her “boy toy.”  In 1998, “The Worm” married Electra, the former Playboy model and Baywatch star, after dating her for six months. Nine days after the wedding, Rodman filed for an annulment, claiming that he was tricked into marriage, and had been of an “unsound mind” at the time. Somehow, this didn’t carry much weight coming from a man who dyed his hair every color of the rainbow, tattooed and pierced his entire body, and of course, married himself in full makeup and a wedding dress. While Rodman later rescinded the request, Electra then filed for divorce. The two were arrested on domestic violence charges the following year.

2. Chris Webber & Tyra Banks: The enigmatic Kings forward dated the supermodel/actress/talk show host for three years in the early 2000’s.  Both parties denied they were ever engaged, and Banks later admitted their respective careers kept them apart. An irate, shirtless Webber unleashed a classic, expletive-filled rant in the Kings locker room, after being repeatedly asked about the relationship by the Sacramento media (a short sample can be found at the 2:30 mark here).

3. Quentin Richardson/Kobe Bryant & Brandy: Does this make Brandy the Alyssa Milano of the NBA? Kobe briefly dated the Moesha star in 1998, and famously took her to his high school prom. Richardson and Brandy were engaged in July 2004, but split up in October of the following year, allegedly due to Q-Rich’s infidelity. The singer ended up transforming her back tattoo of Richardson’s face into a cat. So, yes, Knicks fans, Brandy literally turned Q-Rich into a pussy.

4. Steve Nash and Geri Halliwell/Elizabeth Hurley: Nash was reportedly dating Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell in 2000, though he insisted she was just a friend. He later upgraded to Elizabeth Hurley, and while Nash would once again decline to comment, his agent confirmed the relationship (seriously). He’s now married with twins, but (false?) rumors of an affair with Nelly Furtado flared up when the singer name-dropped him on her hit song, “Promiscuous:” Is that the truth or are you talkin’ trash? / Is your game MVP like Steve Nash?

5. Rick Fox & Vanessa Williams: The former Laker married “Miss America” in 1999…and then blew it. In 2004, The National Enquirer published photos of Fox kissing another woman at a bar, and Williams ended up filing for divorce later that year. No truth to the rumor that he pleaded, “I’m bad, but not as bad as Eric Benet!” Oh, and Doug Christie, of all people, beat him down in 2002…yes, I had to throw that in there.

6. A.C. Green & Jenna Jameson: In the spring of 1997, the NBA ironman and long-time opponent of premarital sex, met porn queen Jenna Jameson at a downtown Los Angeles nightclub and secretly broke his vow of abstinence.  Green paid the media thousands of dollars to keep the forbidden romance under wraps.  Okay, okay…so this never happened. But admit it, I had you going there.  We won’t count this one.

6.  Jason Kidd/Jim Jackson & Toni Braxton: Ranked lower only because Braxton won’t “kiss and tell,” and Kidd and Jackson deny there was ever a love triangle.  The “Three J’s” of mid-90’s Dallas Mavericks didn’t last three years, apparently because Kidd felt Jackson was a selfish player.  But the juicier story is that the R&B singer was dating Kidd, and came to the Mavs’ hotel to pick him up one evening…but ended up leaving with Jackson instead.  When Braxton didn’t unbreak his heart, Kidd demanded a trade, and was soon shipped to the Phoenix Suns.

7. Tony Parker & Eva Longoria: The San Antonio Spurs guard left his longtime girlfriend for the stunning “Desperate Housewife” in 2005.  The pair wed two years later, in spite of numerous breakup rumors, as well as a model’s false claims that Parker was cheating.  According to Longoria, “when the lights are out, he’s the teacher and I’m the student,” making Tony the envy of men everywhere…well, if only he weren’t French.

8. Carmelo Anthony and LaLa Vasquez Melo proposed to the MTV VJ on Christmas 2004, and it’s good to see that engagement and a child have turned him into a better man. Since that time, he’s been cited for marijuana possession, suspended for fighting during the Knicks-Nuggets brawl in 2006, and most recently arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and suspended for two games by the team. But LaLa will straighten him out yet…you just wait.

9. Grant Hill & Tamia: A token “nice guy,” Hill married Tamia in 1999, and their relationship has been predictably stable and scandal-free. In fact, the pair was recently featured on Oprah’s “greatest love stories” episode after supporting each other’s careers and dealing with personal issues for almost a decade….not that I watched it or anything. Useless fact: they were introduced by R&B singer Anita Baker.

10. Kenyon Martin & Trina: Let’s see if we can get all of these facts straight.  Kenyon Martin is married, but his wife supposedly gave him a cellphone just for his groupies. In the meantime, rapper Trina has introduced Martin as her boyfriend at parties, and helped plan his 30th birthday party. Just a few months ago, Martin and Trina were involved in a minor traffic accident in Belize, when they were on their way to a “peace rally.” Yep…there’s no way this can end badly.

Honorable Mention:

*Karrine “Superhead” Steffans & the entire NBA…and NFL, MLB, NFL, Nascar circuit, Screen Actors Guild, music industry, your local Pep Boys, and so on.

*Dwyane Wade & Star Jones/Gabrielle Union:  Wade has sworn the Star Jones stuff isn’t true and he’s insists they’re only friends (let’s hope).   Rumor has it, he filed for divorce from his wife of five years, and has recently been spotted with actress Gabrielle Union (who may have also dated Jason Kidd).

*Baron Davis & Lauren London:  Another case of unconfirmed rumors…in addition to Davis, the actress/video vixen has been linked to rappers Lil’ Wayne and T.I., as well as R&B singer Cassie (!).

*Marko Jaric & Adriana Lima: Yes, she’s famous and beautiful, but which NBA player hasn’t slept with a supermodel? Isn’t that a contractual provision of some sort?

This is Part 2 of the Ex-Hawks Down Saga, Part 1 can be found here.

Damien Wilkins awakens in a pool of what he hopes is his urine. He’s groggy and his vision is blurred; but when he looks up from the dingy cellar floor he sees a towering man holding a club.

Tree Rollins kicks Damien in the ribs and the Thunder swingman rolls over on his back, “Ah God, where am I? Who are you?”

“I’m The Intimidator and you in Hell, boy.”

Damien is panicking as he begins to regain his bearings, “Oh my God, I thought Dale Earnhardt was dead! And not seven feet tall! And white!”

Tree kicks Damien again and he begins to cough up blood.

“To answer your question, Young Mr. Wilkins: You are in a bunker in the jungles of Colombia.”

Stacey Augmon enters the small room with two more of his henchmen: Grant Long & Tyrone Corbin.

“I am The Plastic Man. And you are my hostage.” (more…)